Be the change you want see in your Family…

            This post is regarding a mental battle which almost every married girl in India faces at her in-law’s side. This harsh period of my life taught me a lot about human nature and made me more patient. Sometime all we need to do is to be calmer and still to resolve the conflicts, when things seem to be cluttered. Here I don't want to escalate or highlight anything, I have a pure intention to make others realize that we can handle situations in better way by changing our perspective.

That day, I woke up at 5 AM due to the annoying tick-tick of alarm, but was feeling very sleepy, unable to open the eyes. I thought I need more sleep and started giving excuses to myself… ‘Only 10 minute more and will get up soon. I can manage this much’. But another mind was warning me ‘No, you can’t sleep more now, you will be late today’. And finally I decided to have 10 minutes nap. Next when I woke up it was more than 10 minutes. Oh my God, it’s 5:45. I ran out of the bed with lot of work in my head. I was trying to pacify, it’s alright, you’ll manage, just speed up more. As I went to kitchen a rude voice woke up me hard. “Have you seen the watch? It’s too late. Can’t you set up the alarm before going to sleep?” Ohhh! I just didn’t want to listen it. My mother-in-law was telling me that I am very carelessL.  I was feeling very bad, why she doesn’t understand being a woman that I am tired, along with household work I need to work whole day in office, 4 hours of travelling and take care of my 9 months old daughter even all through the nights. My hands were running and my mind too. I was very angry and missing my mother a lot. But I didn’t have any option. I was working alone in the kitchen, trying to finish all the work and getting ready to catch the office bus. I was very late; about to miss the bus, I hurried. While seating in the bus I just tried to relax. But those harsh words were hammering my head. I puzzled, why I am running since morning every day, why I cannot have some quality time for myself, for my daughter. No one cares if I can’t get a sleep, if I can’t have time for breakfast. No one notices every day I wake up at 5-5:30 in mornings and go on working whole day. Everything at home was suddenly changed, I was feeling like not to go home. I cannot bear this more. I need a change. 

But how can I change this? I had a talk with a close friend regarding this and got a suggestion that I need to separate from family. I thought this is absolutely right. I can manage the whole work, and if sometimes not, at least no one will scold me. It’s really great to be alone. No responsibilities... No tensions. But is it a good idea to separate a son (my husband) from his mother, when the parents are getting old and they need their son the most. How can I separate my daughter from her grandparents, which is the luckiest part of anybody’s childhood. Only because I cannot manage the work and cannot bear the harsh words. I don’t have this option. So what would be the next option? It took two hands to clap. I need to find out where I am wrong. I was expecting others to help me little bit or compliment me. I wanted them to realize my efforts without conveying to them. I should have to understand that my Sasuma is getting old and whole day she takes care of my daughter. Children are very tiring. She must be feeling exhausted. If I want her to treat me like daughter, I must treat her like mother. I need to be the change which I want to see in my family. I need to be more lovable and patient. Usually whenever she gets angry I used to be quiet, preferred to ignore. But it was not the solution always. I understand I have to convey my problems. I discussed with my husband but it was useless.

                And once again same thing happened with me. Again I was late, again my Sasuma was ready to scold me, but this time I was not ready to listen again. As usual she started. But as soon as she finished up I said “Sorry Aai…” It was unexpected to her. I continued “I had set the alarm, but I was feeling very tired. Yesterday I had a very hectic day at office, then 4 hours of traveling, and Krishnali (my daughter) was playing till 12:30 PM. I hardly had 5 hrs of sleep”. I was speaking very calmly without being rude. She didn’t reply anything. But for my surprise she stared helping me in the kitchen. I was stunned. It worked. Yes it worked. I was happy. I started to have a good chat with her to change the mood. And from that day I don’t work alone in the kitchen J.

                We work at offices as our husbands do, still need to do all household work. One day I asked my husband if he would do his own work like to have a glass of milk for himself and pack up his own tifin it will save some time of me in the morning. I was not asking him to cook or to clean the house or to wash the clothes and not even to pack tiffin for me which I do every day. Still my mother-in-law felt bad that I don’t care for her son. But I clarified I would definitely do this for you when I am having time, but don’t expect every day. You should manage this. Any mother-in-law cannot see her son working in the kitchen though his wife is a working woman. Changes won’t happen suddenly.  

I started to be clear, to convey the things, to care more and started to feel good about all work. It was really magical. Previously while cooking I was thinking like I need to finish this work soon. But now I cook with more interest. I try new recipes and get very good complements from my family. On the day of fast I prepare milkshakes or something special for my Sasuma and she also pack up tiffin for me sometimes when I am getting late. They are happy and it’s building a new bonding among us. There are many such incidents where I just needed to change my perspective. In any argument we have to be calm, need to understand and most important is to speak with right person in a healthy way. I used to be very shy and sensitive type of girl, with an assumption that we must always respect our elders and should never speak against them. But I needed to change it slightly. We should respect our elders but also need to speak out about our thoughts and problems without being rude whenever required. Now I work with zero expectations and I feel very good when someone helps me or admires for the work.